As the excitement grows about our move over to Uganda, so does something else – FEAR. I’ve been battling this stupid thing called fear for my entire life it seems. I guess it will be a fight until the end. Sure, I have Jesus and I know in my head that he really is enough, but this nagging tag along just won’t seem to leave.
This morning when I woke up, I mentioned to Mike how strange our journey over to Uganda will be this time. We are going on a one way ticket and do not yet know when our return will be. I don’t seem to have a fear about this truth, but it does feel a little uncomfortable.
For some missionaries, they go without a plan of return, but I wonder if it is different for them. At any moment they can choose to direct the course of their life outside of the direction of the Lord and choose to come home. I guess we too could do that, but after so many years of laboring for the foundation of Show Mercy to be set in Uganda, I just can’t see us abandoning our post because it doesn’t feel good or is too overwhelming. I guess time will tell.
As I ponder my time serving full time in Uganda, I’ve realized a new tag along named failure is trying to walk this path along with me. I’m not afraid of failing and looking like an idiot. I’ve done that enough to realize life goes on and those who love you are steadfast and true. Those times in life when one does fall and looks ridiculously stupid in front of an audience of many, is a type of a colander for life. The things and people that didn’t really need to be near you, filter away. Those things which are true and full of love will remain.
This new feeling of failing has more to do with letting the people down which we are called to serve. I already know I let people down who are donating and helping to love the people of Show Mercy along with us. That has been a challenging aspect of full time ministry, but I am afraid a new type of “letting” people down is headed my way.
Is it wrong to prepare one’s heart for heartache and pain? I really do know better, but reality cannot be denied. I wonder if the needs of the people who will be living around us day in and day out will be too much for me. How do you decide who will get food, who will receive help for schooling, or who will get a little bit of your time?
I’m sure this next season will teach me to lean more into Jesus. He really is the answer! I’ve dreamed of seeing HIS power explode in the midst of the Field of Dreams. In my mind, I’ve seen HIM running down the dirt roads of Kaliti Village. I’ve seen HIM tucking little ones in bed at night. I’ve seen HIM wiping the tears of little ones who are scared and all alone. I am sure the answer will be to see HIM alive in me…remembering only JESUS can save. He hasn’t ever asked me to be the answer all HE asked is for me to believe in HIM and choose to love.
So I guess it doesn’t really matter what silly thing is trying to tag along with me. I know Jesus is always there and he will guide and direct my every step – If I let him!
Plan for today – Let God be God and don’t let the tag along named failure try to convince me to stand in HIS place.